I settle down in the sun, back leaning against a tall ponderosa and mind soaring to converse with the One I love. It is only after I've been there for awhile that I notice the dates on the gravestones around me.
I read and all of a sudden it strikes me that these are not the graves of men who have faded from old age into peaceful sleep. These are men who still had twenty or thirty years ahead of them. Men who were killed because they believed in something enough to fight for it. Men who lived a life that was anything but ordinary. My mind wanders and I see them fighting, wounded, taking their last breath. I see their families heartbreak at hearing of the lives cut short... of living decades without them. It's then that I realize that the thread of longing that He has been touching in my heart is becoming a chain that is pulling me higher... Because yeah, I can live an ordinary life and just follow suit of the way too much of our generation lives and maybe I will have an uncontradicted life and fade from old age to peaceful slumber with hardly a finger lifted against me. But deep down, I know that is not what I really want. I look at the grave stones around me and I know that I too want to stand up and fight for what I believe in. I too want to live a life that is not popular even if that means that bullets (tangible or intangible) are sent my direction. I'm not content to sit back and settle with twenty percent of the companionship with God that we were intended to have. I want a hundred percent. And I want it for my generation. So yeah, I'll fight... for all of Jesus in my life, for all of Him in the lives of my kids, my peers, and my friends. And if one day my heart is stopped because it is deemed to beat too out of sync with the opposing side, I will give thanks that He taught it just a little about beating in sync with His. For now, thank you Veteran Norman for not being content with an ordinary life and reminding me that I am not either.
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When was the last time you laid aside all distractions and went and did something special, just you and Jesus? I don't mean reading your Bible while checking Snapchat between verses or praying while thinking about all the things you have to get next time you go to town. I mean, a date with just you and Jesus for the purpose of connecting with each other in a deeper way than happens in our day to day routines.
Today was one of those for me. It's my day off work and I couldn't resist the longing to use my time for some kind of adventure with Jesus. I decided to explore one of the trails in the beautiful wilderness here in CA and lay aside all my work related thoughts and just enjoy His companionship. As we walked and He and I talked, I was amazed at how refreshing it was to step out of my normal routine and do something special with Him. Not only did it help me get my focus back on track, but He inspired me to aim for heights I hadn't even thought about for months. And that's when it hit me... why don't I do this more often? Why doesn't anyone talk about doing this? Why is it such a novel idea to make time for a date with Jesus? We talk about serving other, following His laws, and completely relinquishing sin... And we should. Really, we should talk about them a whole lot more than we do. But why do we neglect to talk about making space in our schedules for special outings with Jesus? Why don't we go on adventures with Him, purely because we want a deeper connection? Why does that sound so unusual? Maybe we will only find the power to serve others, follow His law, and completely relinquish sin when we are actually willing to make time in our schedules for dates with Jesus. Because really, I don't think our generation's biggest lack is knowledge of the right, but lack of motivation to do it. Motivation comes from love. Love is born in friendship. And friendship comes from moments spent together. So yeah... I'm looking at my schedule and clearing more time for adventures with God this year. And if you want my suggestion, I'd say maybe we should do this together as a generation. Because it only takes one generation who has fallen so deeply in love with His heart that they follow every bidding to enable Him to come back. And that could be us. It’s funny how growing up is never anything like we think it will be. I remember going through grade school and dreaming of those days when I would be done with college. I envisioned myself as this confident grown up person who drove to work each morning, had their life under control, and never had problems.
Somehow the future had this magical glow and Iooked ever so much brighter than anything in the present. Truth is, life doesn’t exactly pan out magically. We don’t grow up and turn into completely different people who have no problems. The reality is that our battles grow as we grow. Life doesn’t exactly get easier when we grow up and sometimes it looks nothing like we expected it to. A few weeks ago I found myself walking along the little snowy road outside our house and finally finding words to explain to Him the jumble of thoughts that had been going around my head for awhile. “God, it’s just that this is nothing like I thought it would be. When I left my peaceful meadow in the southwest, I never expected to find my heart torn between people and places and occupations.” You thought it would be easier? “Yeah. I never imagined that almost every single thing in my life would change except you and that sometimes all the shifting would blur even my vision of your face.” I paused and then slowly… “Really, you are my only anchor now. Everything else is changing.” Gentle as always He replies… Kiddo, I know this is hard. But really, did you expect more? Haven’t you said all along that you wanted me as your anchor? I’m silent now. He’s right. We sing the kids songs about the man who built his house upon the sand and when the rain came beating down, it fell. We contrast it with the man who built his house upon the rock and no storm could destroy him. But what about when it’s our life? What about when location, friends, and occupations shift? What about when life changes and we find ourselves grappling for something to hang onto? Maybe it’s then we learn what our anchor really is… maybe then that we discover whether our faith is genuine or whether we follow simply because our parents have. All throughout my teen years I have looked around me and ached as I saw peers leaving the God they had loved. I’d wondered how it was possible. Now I think I’m starting to understand. When life shakes us up and everything changes we have a choice to make— try and pilot our own restless ship or hold onto the anchor. Sure, sometimes piloting our own ship can look a whole lot easier. After all, doing our own thing and seeking our own happiness and being in charge of our days can seem mighty appealing compared to handing it all over to God and taking whatever He chooses to hand out. But as snowflakes blow through my hair and land on my eyelashes, I can’t help recognizing that no matter how much easier it may seem to take charge myself, there is something unbelievably beautiful about opening up my hands to whatever He desires and giving Him the reigns… even if He hands me thorns. Because sure, I never expected my life to look like this when I was 11… I never expected Him to ask for some of the things He has asked for and take some of the things He has taken. I thought it would all be easier and more magical. But at the same time, I never expected Him to be so real and lovable. I never imagined that He would become such a tangible friend and win my heart in the ways He has. Snow squeaks under my boots and I know deep down that no matter how hard this road gets, I can’t stop walking it. I look ahead and I wonder how I will be able to do some of the things He is asking but I look behind and see that He has already led me over insurmountable obstacles because His love sees no limits. Really, this is where the rubber comes down to the road. It’s decisions like this that form the trajectory of our lives. Will we choose Him when everything is shaking and we’re aching, and life isn’t just about preschool lessons and learning the alphabet? Will we love God even when He directs us down impossible roads? Growing from magical childhood days to the responsibilities of adult life isn’t easy. Change never is. I look around and see the turmoil but I look up and know that my ship doesn’t have to be wrecked on the rocks if I hold onto the Anchor. And so I will, Jesus. I will. This road may descend into the lowest parts of the earth only to turn and climb up the steepest mountain… but it’s okay. Because “even there shall they hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.” The music swells in my earbuds as I walk and I sing along… Take my life and make it Yours, Lord. Fill me with Your love. You are all I need. I surrender all of me. So the first week of the new year is almost over and sometimes we all just want to run off to a tropical beach and escape all the responsibility we face in the grind of the work week.
Let's just say that was me today. I whispered it to Him as I poured another cup of tea to soothe my burning throat thanks to the flu that's had me in bed the last few days. I told Him that I really just wanted to go sit on a beach somewhere and be with Him. He smiled and whispered in His still small voice that He'd like that too, but right now He needed me here. I knew He was right, so I crawled back in bed to catch a few more hours of rest before my next assignment. It was then that the music playing on my iPhone started to sink into my consciousness... "My house is full, but My field is empty Who will go and work for Me today It seems My children all want to stay around My table But no one wants to work My field." I don't want to be the child who stays at the table all year when there's work to do in the field. Sure, there's this part for me that would love to sit and watch the waves crash on the beach but really, I just want to be where He needs me most. We start the year with so many plans of what we want, but maybe it's time to be perfectly content with whatever He wants. Sometimes that might be sitting at His table, or resting on a beach somewhere, and other times that might be serving in the trenches. But you know what struck me today? If we love Jesus best it won't matter whether we are relaxing on the beach or fighting in the trenches as long as we have Him with us. Because the greatest heroes don't have supernatural strength and never want a break. They simply love Him so much that they are perfectly content to be wherever He points. I take another sip of my tea and return to work with a smile because today, He needs me in His field. And this Hand that cares for the sparrows? He's well able to let me rest at His table when He knows I need it most. Morning sun flickered through the stately pines as birds chirped to signal the beginning of a new day. I looked out the window and smiled. This wasn’t just a new day. It was a whole new chapter in life that was just starting. It was my first morning in the forested hills of Cali and I could not wait to see all that was about to enfold before me. I hurried out to the trails, eager to talk to the One I loved before the day began.
This morning I had a lot to talk to Him about— particularly the fact that this day began the fulfillment of a dream I had had ever since I first began to love Him. The dream was far from ordinary and even a little wild to put into writing. But despite my naivety it had been the longing of my little heart for many a year. Ever since I was 11 or 12 I was fascinated by the stories of men and women who had been stripped of absolutely everything and forced to rely upon God alone. Sometimes that took the form of missionary service in some foreign land where rice and a mud hut were almost all a person had. Other times it was the testimonies of those who had been sent to jail for their faith and stripped of family and friends and merely given four cold, concrete walls. Something inside of me thrilled when I heard those stories and simultaneously ached to have the same experience. There was a part of me that would forfeit all the normal pleasures of life if I could just be put in a position where I had nothing but Jesus and I had to lean my full weight on Him alone. For years the longing grew in my heart to taste what those heroes had experienced of God and as I saw no incredible opportunities on the horizon my impatience started to grow as well. Slowly I began to recognize the importance of treasuring each little opportunity to love Him and trust that somewhere down the road He would provide whatever experiences I needed to learn that full dependance. It was as the sun rose and I walked trails, hopping over tree roots and talking non-stop to Him that I realized that this might be the very experience I had prayed for. Here I was, hundreds of miles away from my family, living in an unknown place, surrounded by unknown people, starting my first job and honestly having no idea what I was doing. The only thing I did know was He was with me and He would be enough. It dawned slow. That was why my heart couldn’t help singing a thousand praises. Sure I wasn’t in a jail cell or the middle of the bush in Africa but I knew that for this shy soul who had never lived and worked away from home, this was an opportunity to have nothing but Jesus— to learn to lean hard. And that was the answer to a prayer I had prayed for many a year. A couple weeks passed and I began to realize that somehow this dream was not panning out exactly how I had expected. I thought that just having Jesus would be the sweetest journey of walking and talking with Him through every moment of the day and having little to distract me since I was not surrounded by everything I was used to. Instead I was fighting the creeping aloneness that kept nagging at my heart. Morning walks by the creek that I had expected to be precious time to revel in His presence seemed to turn into desperate prayers of need and loneliness. I’d go back to my room only to find it’s silence awaiting me instead of the banter and laughter of family. All those little situations that that I had anticipated spending simply enjoying Jesus turned into moments of silence and confusion at the ache inside. I’ve always believed that Jesus is all a Christian needs and that if we have Him we are the happiest people on earth. Somehow though, I had translated that into thinking that as long as I had Him I would never be haunted by loneliness or find myself aching for companionship. More than that I considered any such feeling in my own heart to be a lack of connection with Him. Water rippled and flowed past me in the creek and I sat and watched and prayed— prayed prayers I never would have dreamed of praying a few weeks before. I admitted it… that this was nothing like I had expected and that I didn’t think I could handle not having human support and companionship and that I felt like I needed more than just Jesus. Even as I said the words I felt the ache of failure— the ache that comes from being given a privilege and feeling incapable of living up to it. Yeah, I was the girl who had longed for years to be given a chance to just have Jesus and here I was telling Him that I couldn’t do it and that I needed something more. Questions raced through my head… Why was this so hard? Why did I feel alone when I had Him? How come I hadn’t experienced the sweet moments of just reveling in His love when I had nothing else? Why had I found myself broken instead? I couldn’t help admitting that I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. Something deep down still wanted just Jesus but much more tangible was the longing to have human companionship as well as Him. The chorus to one of my favorite songs became the prayer my heart echoed during those weeks… “Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.” Months have passed now and I look back and I can’t help being amazed at His tenderness. He provided the companionship I asked for and it wasn’t long before I was saying a hundred thanks for His provision. Sometimes though, I couldn’t help remembering my dream to just have Jesus and cringing at the way I had handled the opportunity. Sure, I knew that I would have somehow been willing to continue on with just Him if He had not supplied me with the friendship of others, but I also knew too well that those few weeks had been restless and painful instead of the sweet joy I had anticipated. He had given me my dream and I had buckled under the intensity instead of embracing it. Deep down I knew I wasn’t content with an ending like that. And neither was He. Just when I thought I was comfortable and content in all He had given His hand moved in ways I hadn’t expected and I again found myself grappling with the silence and isolation that threatened to engulf. I began to question again but hardly had I gotten the words out of my mouth when it struck me. He had again given me the opportunity to have purely Himself. In His mercy He’d given me a second shot at my dream. This time I am not rushing into the opportunity thinking that this will be a walk in the park. I recognize that I will be driven to my knees, that I will break, that I will question my ability to hold on— and that it is through those very things that I will learn a depth of dependance on Him. You see, I’d always had this idea that it was pure joy for a Christian to rely wholly on His God. And it is. But pure joy is often made up of a thousand tears. The deepest fulfillment is often found through the deepest surrender. The times of greatest growth are most often the result of the times of greatest pain. That’s what I’d forgotten. I’d thought this whole thing would be one beautiful fairy tale. I’d read the stories of the heroes who were imprisoned for their faith and had been struck by the brightness of their love for Jesus but I had missed the truth that it was only through hardship that their love was revealed. I’d been enamored by the depth of friendship they had gained with Jesus through torture but I had somehow passed over the fact that it was that very torture that had birthed the depth of their love. I had walked trails this summer and wondered what on earth was wrong with me that I was finding it so hard to be content with just Jesus and questioned whether I loved Him at all. Now I looked back and realized that the very fact that it was painful was proof that the opportunity for growth was real. And so this time when He came and gently asked me to again lean on just His arm, I said yes. Not a naive yes of sheer excitement but a yes that knows that this will not be easy and there will be moments where everything inside of me will scream for more. I say yes this time and don’t hide from the ache that yes brings because I know that it is that very ache that makes this yes beautiful. Yeah, there may be mornings where I don’t feel like getting out of bed to love people all day long while not having family and friends surrounding me— but it is in that moment I am given the opportunity to acknowledge the darkness and choose to stand up and fight despite it. Sure there will be days when walking trails and watching the sunset alone is the last thing I feel like doing— but it will be then that I can open the depths of my heart to Jesus and let Him in even deeper than I could have in moments of plenty. I’m not kidding myself this time. I know that letting Him fulfill this dream in me will be hard. I know there will be times I’m not sure I want it after all. I know this road is a broken one. But I also know this— I want it anyway. Jesus, I’m saying yes again. Yes to embracing the uncomfortable. Yes to welcoming aloneness. Yes to whatever pain this journey brings. Because You are enough and experiencing all of You is still my dream. No matter what it costs. You know how sometimes God points at a path that goes right through the middle of the fire and we're sure that in walking it we will be completely consumed? Yeah, it's precisely in that moment that we have a choice to make. We can choose to look for another path-- one that looks easier and less agonizing--and can temporarily avoid the breaking we feared. Or we can choose to embrace the fire and walk the path He's offered us, no matter how much we break in the process.
And you know what I've realized? It may be easier to run from the fire. It may not cost as much. But it will never never be as rewarding. In saying no to the fire we also say no to the priceless jewels He wanted to give us through the experience. I don't know what path God has asked you to walk right now, but if it is through the fire... embrace it. Count yourself blessed. Don't fight the breaking. Don't resist the pain. It may be that those very things are the biggest gift He could give you right now. I've long said that pain is one of the biggest gifts God can give His children, but tonight as I look out over all the possibilities of this new year, I know it all over again and my prayer is simple... "God if you have to break our hearts so that we love you best, then please... break our hearts. It is worth it. You are worth it." #dailysoulmoments26 |
Hannah Rayne20. Lover of Jesus. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Servant. Fan of the kitchen. Graduate of Masters of Biblical Counseling.
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